Unconfirmed reports indicate that the city of Newcastle has been captured by a militia of angry Scots, in response to comments made Thursday night on Question Time by outspoken comedian "Comedy Dave" Starkey.
Choosing to take the remarks as a casus belli, over a million Scots proceeded to arm themselves with a variety of medieval weapons bought from the official Braveheart Appreciation Society, before setting off to lay siege to the city in the early hours of Friday morning.
"I was so angry i knocked over my KFC bucket!" stated Alex Salmond, the First Minister of Scotland. "You don't expect that sort of thing on a Thursday night. My wife Donald was so shaken that she smashed up the television with a William Wallace replica Claymore".
The militia, whom Starkey described as "feeble", managed to take the Geordies off guard by beginning their assault during the middle of morning prayers, in which all city residents turn towards St James' park to give thanks to Alan Shearer. Luckily the populace avoided a bloodbath, as only a small minority of Jocks managed to climb over the gentle slopes that surround Tyneside, with many in the rabble succumbing to the elements and lack of deep-fried sustenance, having to be airlifted back to "Dougie's Deepfried Doughnuts" in Glasgow for emergency treatment.
The Scots' plans are so far unclear but many fear this move to be the first step towards an invasion. General Commanding Brigadier of the Queen's most Gay and Elegant military staff expressed the view of Her Majesty: " they were always going to do this, jolly ol' chaps need a good ol' fasioned whipping pip pip!".
"Comedy Dave" Starkey himself was unavailable for comment, simply providing a statement through his website informing us that his latest DVD, "The Tudors: 120 years of comedy gold" would be available in all good retailers soon.
Choosing to take the remarks as a casus belli, over a million Scots proceeded to arm themselves with a variety of medieval weapons bought from the official Braveheart Appreciation Society, before setting off to lay siege to the city in the early hours of Friday morning.
"I was so angry i knocked over my KFC bucket!" stated Alex Salmond, the First Minister of Scotland. "You don't expect that sort of thing on a Thursday night. My wife Donald was so shaken that she smashed up the television with a William Wallace replica Claymore".
The militia, whom Starkey described as "feeble", managed to take the Geordies off guard by beginning their assault during the middle of morning prayers, in which all city residents turn towards St James' park to give thanks to Alan Shearer. Luckily the populace avoided a bloodbath, as only a small minority of Jocks managed to climb over the gentle slopes that surround Tyneside, with many in the rabble succumbing to the elements and lack of deep-fried sustenance, having to be airlifted back to "Dougie's Deepfried Doughnuts" in Glasgow for emergency treatment.
The Scots' plans are so far unclear but many fear this move to be the first step towards an invasion. General Commanding Brigadier of the Queen's most Gay and Elegant military staff expressed the view of Her Majesty: " they were always going to do this, jolly ol' chaps need a good ol' fasioned whipping pip pip!".
"Comedy Dave" Starkey himself was unavailable for comment, simply providing a statement through his website informing us that his latest DVD, "The Tudors: 120 years of comedy gold" would be available in all good retailers soon.
Anonymous Said,
I saw 'Comedy Dave' standing on the stands at St. James park that morning. I even heard him shouting "We've always owned you...you feeble KFC eating, mel gibson lovers!" before he was jumped on by the advanced party of three or four naked, blue body painted scotsmen including Alex Salmon (the look didn't suit him).
They are expected to release a ransom soon but I fear from what I saw that they might rather enjoy torturing him more by strapping him to a chair and making him watch SNP party broadcasts on repeat non-stop. Rest in peace Comedy Dave, our thoughts are with you.
Posted on 6 June 2009 at 12:17