Liberally Challenged

Ed balls, the schools secretary, used an entire nation of desperate, starving Africans and turned them into pirates, in an attempt to smear ministerial rivals and gain control over the Gulf of Aden, a Downing Street whistleblower has claimed.

In yet another twist to the ongoing "why is Balls such an evil bastard?" saga, it has been suggested that the Education Secretary masterminded a network of overseas international pirate vessels in order to "clear his path for the party leadership if Labour loses the next election".

Having already smiled and nodded his way out of allegations of running the Damien McBridge smear unit, sexing up the findings of the SATs fiasco, and generally being a spineless, soulless, evil bastard, the discovery that Balls was running a ruthlessly effective high-seas terrorist operation hardly comes as a suprise to many.

"We're all a bit scared of him" stated Gordon Brown, after a careful look over the shoulder. With a tear in his eye, he leaned over and whispered "He...He hits us, you know...in cabinet meetings, where no one can see."

Mr Balls himself could not be reached for comment, as he is currently on an unrelated trip to the Gulf of Aden; "buying presents for needy children".

"Gentle Bob" has been at it again. Just days after declining a request to attend a UN meeting to discuss the ongoing disputes surrounding the fragile state of Zimbabwe's "shared" home affairs department, the man affectionately known in his country as "Papa Huggsykins" has been caught partaking in a spot of good old fashioned MP-bashing.

On a routine trip to Singapore to attend a Celine Dion concert, Mugabe had a chance ran un with Swedish MP Fredrik Schulte. A famous Swede-phobe, Mugabe proceeded to attack the unfortunate westerner with his trademark finishing move, the "Farm-grabber-choke-slam".

"Diddums" stated Ban ki-Moon, Secretary-General of the United Nations.

David Miliband condemned the behaviour, expressing the view that "These shenanigans are certainly not on, clearly he only wants attention. If we all just ignore him he'll go away". When pressed to comment further, we got a phone call from his mother stating that 8pm was a completely inappropriate time to ring on a school night, as David had double maths in the morning.

More updates soon.

Squirrel Nutkin is not happy.

Let me explain:

In the middle of the lake there is an island covered with trees and net bushes; and amongst those trees stands a hollow oak-tree, which is the house of an owl called Gordon Brown.

One autumn when the nuts were ripe, and the leaves on the hazel bushes were golden and green - Nutkin and the brothers Miliberry and all the other squirrels came out of the wood and down to the edge of the lake.


For ten long years all the squirrels was happy, frolicking in the successes of Gordon the Owl's wise leadership. Then a big black recession hit, and the squirrels were in deep, deep shit. Squirrel Nutkin knew that the other animals weren't going to vote for her or her bushy tail anymore.

So, she thought and thought and eventually, Squirrel Nutkin came up with a plan. "I will throw a party!" said Nutkin, who rushed to tell the Daily Mirror of her clever idea. She bobbed up and down like a little red cherry, singing "I'm fed up with doom and gloom! On july 19th, all the animals will have a party to raise community spirit!".

But when she took her idea to Gordon the Owl, he simply turned up his eyes in disgust at the impertinence of Nutkin, who had, in her hastiness, shown her plans to the associated press outside through a plainly visible see-through folder. What a silly Squirrel Nutkin!

And to this day if you meet Nutkin up a tree and ask her a riddle, she will throw sticks at you and stamp her feet and scold, and shout - "Never get into politics!"

So no, Squirrel Nutkin is not happy. Not happy at all.

Unconfirmed reports indicate that the city of Newcastle has been captured by a militia of angry Scots, in response to comments made Thursday night on Question Time by outspoken comedian "Comedy Dave" Starkey.

Choosing to take the remarks as a casus belli, over a million Scots proceeded to arm themselves with a variety of medieval weapons bought from the official Braveheart Appreciation Society, before setting off to lay siege to the city in the early hours of Friday morning.

"I was so angry i knocked over my KFC bucket!" stated Alex Salmond, the First Minister of Scotland. "You don't expect that sort of thing on a Thursday night. My wife Donald was so shaken that she smashed up the television with a William Wallace replica Claymore".

The militia, whom Starkey described as "feeble", managed to take the Geordies off guard by beginning their assault during the middle of morning prayers, in which all city residents turn towards St James' park to give thanks to Alan Shearer. Luckily the populace avoided a bloodbath, as only a small minority of Jocks managed to climb over the gentle slopes that surround Tyneside, with many in the rabble succumbing to the elements and lack of deep-fried sustenance, having to be airlifted back to "Dougie's Deepfried Doughnuts" in Glasgow for emergency treatment.

The Scots' plans are so far unclear but many fear this move to be the first step towards an invasion. General Commanding Brigadier of the Queen's most Gay and Elegant military staff expressed the view of Her Majesty: " they were always going to do this, jolly ol' chaps need a good ol' fasioned whipping pip pip!".

"Comedy Dave" Starkey himself was unavailable for comment, simply providing a statement through his website informing us that his latest DVD, "The Tudors: 120 years of comedy gold" would be available in all good retailers soon.