Ed balls, the schools secretary, used an entire nation of desperate, starving Africans and turned them into pirates, in an attempt to smear ministerial rivals and gain control over the Gulf of Aden, a Downing Street whistleblower has claimed.
In yet another twist to the ongoing "why is Balls such an evil bastard?" saga, it has been suggested that the Education Secretary masterminded a network of overseas international pirate vessels in order to "clear his path for the party leadership if Labour loses the next election".
Having already smiled and nodded his way out of allegations of running the Damien McBridge smear unit, sexing up the findings of the SATs fiasco, and generally being a spineless, soulless, evil bastard, the discovery that Balls was running a ruthlessly effective high-seas terrorist operation hardly comes as a suprise to many.
"We're all a bit scared of him" stated Gordon Brown, after a careful look over the shoulder. With a tear in his eye, he leaned over and whispered "He...He hits us, you know...in cabinet meetings, where no one can see."
Mr Balls himself could not be reached for comment, as he is currently on an unrelated trip to the Gulf of Aden; "buying presents for needy children".
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